The Buffalo Bills inserted their backup quarterback after a game got out of hand in Foxborough. This story never seemed like it was finishing pleasantly. I got to activate Matt Barkley fandom mode as one of innumerable signs things finally went well in a place where that never happens.
The anguished wait seemingly eternally for change before it arrives so rapidly that we have to remember how to gloat. I’ll cease to be who I am if I ever don’t treat beating the Patriots like drinking closing coffee.
Life isn’t spaced evenly. The seconds often tick off geologically slowly, as when pricing insurance or waiting for the dryer. Then the ground shakes during about 12 seconds of tectonic shifting that completely redraws the map. Football geologists have traced the seismic event’s commencement to trading for Stefon Diggs.
The vibe is not measured with a statistic even when the league has a number for everything else. Don’t tell Bills fans the game’s feel is too subjective to be quantified. A Monday evening in Massachusetts has usually been an event to dread like an asteroid blotting out the Sun. Many recent unfortunate years have been spent vainly attempting to summon hope that this’d be the edition of the Bills that could at least win once against the division’s incessant juggernaut. There wasn’t even a split in 2020.
Missed chances now seem like annoyances rather than signs of forthcoming doom. The atmosphere surrounding Buffalo really has changed. I didn’t even throw anything after two unfortunate early drops by targeted Bills that would’ve set the woeful tone earlier this decade. It turns out I have faith in this team. Stop calling touchdown machine Lee Smith a blocking tight end.
The bad news is the offense didn’t kill the half’s final four minutes before scoring. Diggs is tired of New England just like you are even without enduring their dark reign. He’s not even one year into his association with this franchise. But your favorite receiver ever placed himself in a unique position to justly show the bully how torment feels. No wonder nobody went to New England’s birthday party.
Stefon cares about your feelings, which is why he stomped your nemesis for you. Empathetically scoring a hat trick shows he’s excited about the Sabres returning, too. You don’t have to live in the city for decades to be a true Buffalonian.
The compulsion to move past the past is surely a sign everything went well. The only sensible option is starting over from today. Following a thoroughly uneven team offers yet another life lesson through the cruelty of time and trauma of what’s inflicted during it.
We can’t modify what happened like when Hell’s franchise kept winning titles. But reality kindly offers endless opportunities to start over by making previous days crummy. Scoundrels finally getting what they deserve is even more rewarding when the virtuous simultaneously triumph. Sports offer the purest zero-sum games even when the scores aren’t.
Making Bill Belichick throw a phone more accurately than Cam Newtown throws a football was worth the wait even if it took one-quarter of a decent lifespan. It’s not like we had a choice. Serving a sentence for being born Bills fans is how the universe teaches a lesson about its totally fair nature. We know to appreciate time off for good behavior.
A 29-point trouncing was not the only Patriots loss if you weren’t enjoying this enough. The wholly likable franchise of smug cheaters presumably has to spend the offseason quarterback shopping. New England is perfectly bad enough. Their intended savior will be tough to obtain fresh out of college on account of how a presently uninspiring squad balanced missed the playoffs with winning enough to draft in the middle of rounds. Maybe they’ll win the lottery twice.
I hope the Patriots keep Cam. Of course, I’m a Bills fan. Signing a big name worked out depending on one’s perspective. The delightfully horrid alliance is as fun as watching an ex struggle with a risible new partner. The underwhelming replacement possesses the joyless demeanor of someone who’s never laughed. Plus, the obvious dolt has that illiterate look where he can only order from Seamless if he looks at the pictures because word menus are tricky. And that dang ATM card keeps disappearing. You deserve your new partnership, darling.
Loyalty is easy until the ninth loss. Successful relationships are based on shared values, which is why no Mafia member would ever marry a New England supporter. Those bailing after the slightest turbulence don’t treat the first part of “in sickness and in health” literally. Fanbases trained to expect victory constantly are insufferable when they’re around, which won’t be long. Living in the past is extra fun without the ability to cope with losing right now.
Finally blowing up the Death Star contains psychological significance beyond leverage for the second seed. ESPN’s advertisers were the night’s other winner, as no Bills fan tuned away and checked to see if Cobra Kai’s new season dropped extra early even during alleged garbage time. Every moment when the game’s outcome was clear felt too joyous to miss. I’d still be watching if the game were 64 quarters to see if the defense could hold our mortal enemies to single digits.
Enjoying every moment of the right sort of blowout is particularly treasured by those who know how much life can suck. Appreciate the chance to sip your IPA after decades of huddling around Milwaukee’s Best kegs in off-campus apartment attics. The century’s best game was payback for 56-10 and a million other rough results even if 2020’s roster didn’t realize they avenged us.
Editor’s babble: Truly laughing and thinking of @Bills_Chick after your crack about marrying a Patriots* fan. Proud and grateful to be a part of this incredibly weird season with dear friend, who you can find on Twitter @AnthonyBialy. We are grateful for his prose.