What do you call this: sports? These fellows run around in this manner? And an overseeing entity records results? I vaguely recall this diversion. Teams accumulate points within each affair. The side tallying the most is proclaimed the victor, with whoever gets the most in turn also getting tracked as a competition. It’s fun!
You’re correctly thrilled. Cheering alone feels odd, but know the impulse is natural even without others within earshot doing the same to confirm. The first outing went mostly right for the Bills because 2020 truly is the strangest.
One doesn’t need to own season tickets to know we’re enduring an asterisk year. Even those of us whose football experience entails setting an alarm for the crack of noon in order to race to Tim Hortons for fuel acquisition can sense the game experience is off. You might be the sort of joyous misanthrope who already quarantined from humanity long before this virus deal. But life seems weird even for those who attend from their dens.
Conditions remain skewed in a universe drawn by M.C. Escher. The opener seemed like aliens in a Star Trek episode tried recreating our world and didn’t quite get it right. When it comes to engine noise on the USS Enterprise, the constant background ambience is most noticeable when it’s absent.
The vacuum’s silence is deafening. I’m still waiting for the roar upon kickoff followed by jeering the foe for a penalty on the season’s first play in the most Jets moment ever. The Bills thrived even without context clues.
Buffalo’s display impressed even without firsthand witnesses. Please applaud how my bold prediction that trading for Stefon Diggs was wise came true.
Our favorite side’s offense must doing well when it takes awhile to incorporate Cole Beasley. The delay was thankfully because there are so many options and not because they neglected to target their best possession guy. Assure him he’ll get a turn.
Don’t forget to appreciate old assets acquired way back in 2019. Cherishing birthday presents by Christmas is easiest when play value remains. Everyone is still up to speed, as seen when John Brown dashed into the end zone through a space as wide as Kramer’s two-lane comfort cruise. Fans are historically unaccustomed to this franchise facing the pleasant problem of having to balance attention amongst the talented.
Buffalo’s best rusher can toss it, too. I think 300-yard passing games are overrated unless a quarterback from my team has one. The good news is Josh Allen didn’t turn it over on an interception if you’d like a positive way to look at a two-fumble day. Those turnovers remind us not to take anything for granted. We’ve learned the lesson, so he can stop teaching.
The slippery football problem will be more concerning if the offense hasn’t remedied it by the time they’re facing a varsity team. The only thing worse than a 10-point swing would be a 14-point swing, which could occur if they play a qualified club instead of the Jets.
Thank useless reprobate Gregg Williams for the gift of not bothering to learn Allen is adept at dashing. Now, every other team the Bills face this season will have to devote time and resources to shoveling mud in the path of a galloping quarterback even as the offense moves on to letting running backs take it.
Quibbles about Allen’s stupendous day don’t detract from the overall portrait. If you’d like to savor his boldly effective play even more, recall he was on the board when the Jets grabbed Sam Darnold. New Jersey’s junior team’s alleged franchise quarterback is likable in a way the prickly Josh Rosen isn’t, which nearly takes the fun out of reveling in his failures. Sunday was his preseason. The Jets first down drinking game can be played by designated drivers.
A secret season began with a smorgasbord of delights. Starving fans hadn’t even sampled rookies. Oh, yeah: they drafted Gabriel Davis.
Sure, the Bills should’ve won by 312 points. But missed opportunities are part of even dominant outings. Coaches would get nervous with nothing to fix. Forgiving fans certainly remember it’s the first game in a quite curious preseason-free season.
Opening weekend thankfully didn’t resemble Jello wrestling in roller skates as feared. But bringing back fake games next summer could lead to even slicker play for what’ll ideally be a conventional opener.
Teams find themselves testing the boundaries of home-field advantage, which presently exists only in the technical sense. Buffalo didn’t fly to Orchard Park, which will have to suffice as an edge. At least zero fans means no train whistle.
We had to invest even more hope than usual. Fans had to trust that the beloved team’s training would pay off without any way to measure. The offseason was like an idle phone game where the player is building up resources without checking it. Trust your favorite time-waster’s performance is improving.
A sweet result is just what’s needed in the dumbest year ever. The Bills won no matter how airless the simulation of the human experience felt. We’re closer to whatever regular is thanks to a two-game swing after one game. It was nice getting back to hating the Jets without really caring about them. Life almost feels back to normal.
There’s not enough illustrative commotion. You’re telling me I have to look at the screen to know what’s happening? This moment challenges in every way. Like a single-camera sitcom without a laugh track, viewers must pay attention to know what’s amusing. After the pilot episode, this looks like the sort of series that respects viewers without telegraphing punchlines. It’s never been more welcome to have a team worthy of attention.
Editor’s babble: For some reason I think the term “joyous misanthrope” might have been directed my way :) Thanks to Anthony Bialy for always making us think and giggle. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.