Life features surprises. For example, I didn’t realize how much I loathed Cam Newton’s guts until this week. Sure, I’ve always found him petulant in his moody way. But Cam-focused contempt wasn’t my life’s driving purpose until he enlisted in the forces of evil.
A rather prominent free agent joining the Patriots is a little too much like the Dark Side recruiting Darth Vader. If they’re tired of nerds being right, stop turning Star Wars into a documentary. We can only hope the new Sith Lord’s armor won’t work as well as in the movies.
You dream of Instagram hoochies or beefcakes. I fantasize about Cam clashing with Bill Belichick. Please let these two particular humans with precisely opposite personalities not find a way to work together.
Wait until the coach learns he’s switching from a passer renowned for throwing in under three seconds to one more inclined to dash around. The 152nd all-time rusher must conform to a system, which totally seems like his style, right?
Believing Newton is washed up just became a mantra for non-New England teams. Those waiting out a dynasty don’t wish for anyone to have injuries but would be interested in whether a certain player’s ailments prevent him from competing to the fullest. Following sports is how one ends up rooting for someone’s career to slide into oblivion at the ancient age of 31.
You may have heard the club in question no longer employs that other quarterback who started a couple games for them this century because he was fading. So, they replaced him with… Cam Newton? New England anticipates a different pouter will function just as well, and it might be worth a birthday wish to ask that their arrogance is unfounded.
This is the perfect time to buy a Blockbuster franchise. Who wants lots of customers to separate? Mafia members hope this one dang time that the Patriots haven’t timed the market properly. Satan has the best stock tips as long as he’s trying to convince you to join the firm.
Give thanks for the reactions that don’t occur. The Bills didn’t make a panicky attempt to trade for Gardner Minshew. It feels like Buffalo’s plan hasn’t been upturned despite the Patriots winning late June’s trending battle.
A moment where New England got the attention it craves usually would’ve rattled our fanbase. But we just shrugged knowing they’re not signing 2015 Cam. Flux capacitors should be against the rules.
There’s finally a scenario where our favorite team might be the right choice. Ask Bills fans whether they would take Newton or Josh Allen. It may not be rabid partisanship to pray for things stay the same.
It’s a little too easy to recall countless other times in the past two decades where it felt like we’d choose anything else. Permanent wariness is the primary skill we’ve been taught by an agonizing franchise. Spare a thought for those poor Patriots fans who’ve never obtained the lesson about how stupid life is.
There’s nothing unhealthy like focusing on one other divisional foe. But nobody gets into fandom for sanity. Hating the perpetual winner consumes enough energy. There’s no established reason to remember the other two, much less care about them.
This division apparently has two other teams. I’m presently trying to remember if Ryan Fitzpatrick hopped the rails for another NFL city or if he’s still a Dolphin. He may still be helping the Bills by keeping Tua Lastanama sidelined. The prominent rookie will eventually force our favorite enemy quarterback to continue his hobo journey. Fitzpatrick uses a bindle made out of towels from his previous locker rooms.
The focus is mutual. The Dolphins and Jets similarly ignore what’s going on in Buffalo. They’ve also spent recent years futilely resenting the division’s Legion of Doom if you seek common ground with fellow forgotten enemies.
Nobody’s hyping up the freaking Jets unless they’re desperate for hate clicks from starving fans who get nourishment from contrarian takes. The Bills strive to turn bold predictions for regime change into action. There’s just that little matter of actually having to win games and divisions.
We may as well indulge in the excitement of a prominent player switching franchises, even or especially if it involves a criminal enterprise. The Patriots are the bad kind of mafia. Despising both the jersey and who’s wearing it makes this extra fulfilling. Scenery changes add venomous species as a factor. A little poison creates dangerous thrills. Quarterbacks this prominent having to move are as rare as praise for Roger Goodell.
Bills fans are secretly glad a despicable club is making transactions. There’s something to cheer against, which is particularly welcome around Independence Day when there’s so little sports-related to discuss. This summer features even less sports action than usual, what with zombies trying to smash through your plywood so they can pass along the virus.
Buffalo’s roster must be in good shape if backers are still enthusiastic even as their nemesis makes a rather significant addition. Brandon Beane would undoubtedly encourage Bills fans to follow his example of not panicking. He’s banking on his former franchise being right about discarding a rival’s new starter. Please let those trying to cash in on a trend go bust. Those buying Cam Patriots and Brady Buccaneers jerseys go on the same list.
Editor’s babble: I hope there is a football season just so we can see Mario Addison and Ed Oliver put Cam on the ground enough times he begs for the bench. Thanks to Anthony Bialy for always making us keep our dictionaries close by and providing many chuckles. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.