The universe may be halfheartedly apologizing for trapping us inside with no sports. We’ve been cooped up trying to not spill takeout in the airlock and can’t even pass the confinement by enjoying our favorite hobby of watching men chase an object. Now, there’s at least a personnel upgrade to help trapped Buffalo Bills fans imagine a future of watching wins while sitting next to others outdoors.
Checking social media while wearing gloves finally brought a welcome update. We can spend our time staring at walls fantasizing about gaining 7.3 million yards passing thanks to the trade for new local legend Stefon Diggs. He’s no longer disgruntled about his employer, which prompts Mafia members to smile in their hazmat suits.
The best reason to miss good news is when it’s buried by even better news. It’s a promising sign when links about addressing the defense’s few needs by adding players like Quinton Jefferson, A.J. Klein, and Mario Addison get pushed down the page. The occasion of extending Jordan Poyer should’ve been celebrated as a local holiday even if it weren’t already Saint Patrick’s Day with everyone off, anyway. Meanwhile, it was only Buffalo’s second-biggest transaction.
Calling an NFL receiver an expert route runner is like noting a rock star is good at damaging hotel rooms. But Diggs excels in particular at this presumed skill. We haven’t seen anyone shake defenders to the turf so capably since Bills Mafia patron saint Stevie Johnson. Diggs doesn’t laugh at anyone attempting to cover him because he’s a professional.
John Brown must be pleased to get demoted. Last year’s top option might get fewer targets this season. But his happiness isn’t about getting paid the same for less work. His job will be easier now that Diggs draws attention from him instead of having to be the primary distraction.
A speedster paired with Cole Beasley operating underneath was already thrilling. Now, one of the league’s top threats join the same meeting room as two players with distinct player profiles. The only thing better than a guy who’s tough to cover is three of them. It’s tough to not get cocky, but there’s already the urge to insincerely wish opposing cornerbacks the best of luck.
The best way to draft a receiver is to wait five years to see if he’ll turn out good. The Bills warped time to predict the future. Diggs is a far surer thing than any rookie they would they have gotten with that first-round pick.
Now, we don’t even need to know the names of wideouts who are just now done with college. There’s no reason to grow attached to players who were likely to never join our favorite team for a position where pro success is notoriously tough to predict and often takes a few seasons if it happens at all.
We can argue about something else than the best choice at wideout on the first night. Let’s instead debate whether the Bills should’ve pursued Buccaneer Tom Brady to compete with Matt Barkley.
Buffalo already won the draft. The process is about attempting to acquire useful talent. But it’s tricky to know if someone playing for a scholarship will be able to similarly excel for a paycheck.
Let’s just say Diggs has demonstrated he can thrive as a pro. The man who already went through the new player acquisition process in 2015 has 365 more NFL receptions than anyone Brandon Beane could’ve added next month at the quarantined draft. It’s nice to have a catch for every day of the year. His first as a Bill will cover February 29.
Diggs was worth the cost even if another franchise doesn’t grasp value. The four-choice price paid only seems expensive compared to Houston giving away DeAndre Hopkins like a Trader Joe’s sample. Don’t expect the precedent set by Bill O’Brien to be met around the rest of the league, as a trade mildly classified as lopsided would’ve been rejected while playing Madden. Essentially donating one of the league’s biggest talents is like buying an iPhone which rings up at 40 bucks where the cashier insists that’s the price even though you explain it’s wrong. The Texans are inflicting karma for the Astros.
Our goal should be to feel as excited as Josh Allen about anything. In this case, our favorite quarterback’s enthusiasm about a new teammate has made him even more hyped than usual. If you thought cheering for more receptions was fun, imagine propelling them.
Don’t let outsiders learn how much Allen’s accuracy has already improved. He’s gotten better just like those to which he aims. The supposedly wayward passer spent his rookie year working with spare parts during a transitional season following which receivers were the shopping list’s top item. The lack of prominent options brought to mind how his targets at Wyoming are using their degrees today. He improved dramatically last year as we know and is bound to get even better throwing to someone casual fans recognize.
Did you hear Allen will overthrow his newest teammate by 70 yards? Outsiders have set their opinion about Buffalo’s savior, and nothing like evidence will deter them. A popular notion on Twitter must have been checked for veracity. Nobody would ever run with a notion that’s untrue.
Let the Snark Patrol smirk about their dubious narrative. Also, anyone who mocks Allen shouldn’t come to Buffalo: they’ll hate it because there’s totally nothing fun or interesting. Let our assets remain our secret. With trades like this, it’s getting tougher to keep things quiet.
Editor’s babble: Thanks to Anthony Bialy for keeping us in giggles, and we can all use some right now. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.