Jets Even More Wretched If That Makes Buffalo Bills Feel Better

Photo of QB Matt Barkley from

Take comfort in someone suffering worse than you.  Football is about each particular franchise’s peculiar struggles, including being abysmal enough to make those having merely rotten years feel grateful by comparison.  The Buffalo Bills may be The Big Bang Theory of franchises, but the New York Jets are Young Sheldon.  CBS deserved to carry this game.

Buffalo trouncing New Jersey’s junior team was the Super Bowl on one of the weirder alternate DC Comics Earths.  If you’ve thought of moving there to sneakily celebrate, I’m afraid you’d be spotted by your conventional number of arms and lack of purple skin.  Just be patient in our dimension.  Someday, the Bills are going to be competitive on this boring plane of reality.  We’re passing time while waiting for life to be more than sporadically enjoyable.

The sweet merciful relief of the bye wasn’t as necessary as feared.  Bills fans can enjoy two weeks of a rare pleasant football memory.  Our favorite club is not playing the Jets again until December 9, so don’t get too amped up.  Still, wins against trench-dwellers are not multiplied by .8 like they’re light beer.  Results are treated equally, even against a team unofficially classified as junior varsity.

All the Bills needed was a quarterback free from bruising and arm wear.  The Matt Barkley era was particularly impressive considering he had about 35 minutes of preparation time.  His largely accurate afternoon came despite sheets from the playbook flying out of his waistband.  I’d guess the Bills took New Jersey Transit from Penn Station to the swamp so their quarterback had a chance to study on the train.  Finally, the Bills have a better USC quarterback than Rob Johnson.

Buffalo’s most recent passer of the week contest winner was exponentially better than whichever McCown the Jets resorted to starting.  A repeat is as unlikely as Ben Affleck acting with authenticity.  We’re not expecting Barkley to score a second hit any more than we should hope Harvey Danger will pull off the feat, but replace the nameplate on your Tyrod Taylor jersey if you’re keen on living in the moment.

Photo of QB Josh Allen from

Either way, it’s nice how the Bills got value from a free agent they found wandering the street.  Barkley filled in proficiently while Josh Allen waits to regain full bending capacity.  The front office shouldn’t feel too proud considering how long and how many quarterbacks it took.  Random chance isn’t as reliable as they hope.

A week off means an opportunity to dream irrationally like buying a Powerball ticket.  And we saved two bucks.  Buy yourself a Yoo-hoo with the unspent funds and fantasize about scenarios more fanciful than Nigella Lawson accepting your marriage proposal.  Idle time means a chance to deliriously think Barkley will lead the Bills to 9-7 with Andy Dalton beating the Steelers in his finale.  Enjoy your wildest wild card dreams during a nightmarish season.  If the preposterous does happen, we have to send the Foundation more than one dollar each. 

A Matt Barkley sports bar would have seven jerseys to display if he wants to show two non-consecutively from Arizona.  Still, the hobo quarterback was Sunday’s best option, which is a poor sign for one left stationary to everyone’s relief.  Now, Nathan Peterman has been handed his bindle.  A merciful franchise finally released the punchline to every quarterback joke, ideally on a farm where he can run free and be happy.  The Jets didn’t accept the offer to trade for him at halftime.

Photo of QB Nathan Peterman from

Brandon Beane and Sean McDermott finally conceded their diamond in the rough was only rough.  A 32.5 career rating is good for Celsius.  Retaining Peterman any longer would’ve been like the referee telling Michael Spinks to get up and finish the remaining 11 and a half rounds against Mike Tyson.  Allen will be two weeks closer to having multiple functioning elbows by the next game.  Meanwhile, his new backup actually has time to study.

Crazy circumstances can sometimes work for the best.  That said, the Bills shouldn’t plan for another game where everything falls into place again any more than Simpsons fans should expect the show to again be as funny as it was during Bill Clinton’s presidency.

A few exceptional memories will sustain the devoted through ensuing tough tough times.  Be prepared to recall a day with a successful fake punt where the roster exploited a turnstile quarterback as their own journeyman looked like he hadn’t just met his teammates a couple days ago.  Sure, Kelvin Benjamin still had zero catches, but there are only so many miracles to go around.

The Bills help fans appreciate good moments by making them rare.  Underperforming was just to help us spot treasure easily.  At least they can now fill out their season highlight show, which was previously Allen hurdling repeated for half an hour.

A thorough win made sense considering the foe.  Trouncing Minnesota remains the most baffling defiance of science NFL researchers have encountered this year.  Knowing one AFC East team is more dysfunctional is small comfort, but at least there’s someone to mock.

Teams are only good by comparison, so thank the Jets for greater success at failing.  The Bills get to enjoy a marginal relative triumph during an unearned vacation week.  Get through this dull Sunday by remembering an improbable win on the last.

Editor’s babble: I’m still trying to recover from the shock. Matt Barkley probably surprised himself with his performance. It kept Buffalo’s current win streak in sports going; UB in football and basketball (ranked for the first time in school history), the Sabres. If UB wins at Ohio tonight in football and secures a MAC East championship, I’ll be calling a cardiologist for help. Thanks to Anthony Bialy for keeping us afloat during an insane amount of inconsistency fro the Bills. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.

About Anthony Bialy

Anthony Bialy recently moved back to Buffalo from New York City and acts like he never left. He thinks "Buffalo 66" is biographical and considers it a crime against mankind that Steve Tasker is not in the Hall of Fame. He likes getting Tim Hortons on the way to get Labatt Blue. Follow him on Twitter at @AnthonyBialy.