Pain is unbearable if it feels endless. The Buffalo Bills can’t seem to let go of the iron. The unsparing lesson they provide about our world’s harsh reality is valuable in its sobering way, so thank our favorite team for never challenging New England.
We’re told that enduring one more noncompetitive season is a small price to pay for the prospect of advancement starting next year. We were also told Bill Belichick was just another schlub who lost in Cleveland like it was his destiny.
Monday night went as best as could be expected for a team without an offense. Should I point out the Patriots defense outscored them? No? Sorry. Derek Anderson misses golf. Nathan Peterman is rested and ready to go if you thought you hadn’t flinched enough. The ESPN halftime show’s band was fittingly Bush, as they were popular the last time the Bills were good.
New England didn’t even look spectacular and still managed a quasi-blowout. They resembled the timid bear Vince Vaughn described in Swingers batting around the bunny before realizing it has scary claws. Buffalo’s biggest trick play was convincing anyone this game might be competitive.
I’m not saying we reside in Hell: I merely note agony repeats with no chance at relief. Buffalo fans endured the same sense of doom while facing the division’s bullies in 2001. If Daniel-san learned the crane kick this slowly, he would’ve still been getting whooped in the Karate Kid YouTube series.
Never knowing what comes next is a lucky break when it sucks.
Mafia members should feel fortunate a soothsayer never told us we’d ache this long: we would’ve chosen to spend our free time doing something healthier than following the Bills like consuming angel dust or juggling chainsaws.
Ignorance of the bruising to come is the next-best thing to improvement.
Usually, the Bills can hide during daylight. For a rare change, they were embarrassed on national television, or at least ESPN. Weeknight football feels like less of an event in our splintered media world, which doesn’t alleviate the humiliation of scrounging for two field goals in four quarters under the lights. This is not the sport for those allergic to the end zone’s grass.
By contrast, villainous inhuman monster Tom Brady should stop drinking orphan blood to keep youthful. I don’t see anything against the performance enhancer in the NFL rulebook, which is yet another failure of Roger Goodell. Such consumption can’t be salubrious over time. But I guess caring about health isn’t an issue once your soul’s sold.
Boston backers finally got a break. Their poor deprived fanbase celebrated a World Series the night before, and that was a dicey couple hours before a prominent victory. Their endless indulgence brings to mind children eating Halloween candy for every meal.
New England’s brats have enjoyed 11 championships among their four diabolical teams this century, some of may which have even been won without breaking rules. Standing for that many parades must be bad for your knees.
Smug New Englanders are the only thing worse than sad ones.
Back when their teams usually fell short, they acted as if they were the only ones who ever suffered during droughts. We’re painfully aware of the insufferable nature while their teams thrive. Fate finally inflicting them with mediocrity would be a blessing.
This club deserves to have one fewer jersey available. Retiring Thurman Thomas’s number offered the only relief from football. Bills fans indulge in memories to distract from how we’d like to forget contemporary athletic moments. The last 34 scored 88 more touchdowns than his erstwhile team did on his big night.
Thurman’s speech brought his actions to mind. Recollection of thrilling football leads to remembering when fans wouldn’t have to entertain themselves at games. Old-timers spin tales about New England serving merely as a divisional speed bump on the expressway to the playoffs. Nowadays, tailgates serve member berries. All this franchise presently offers is nostalgia and hope. You’ll note that leaves out the present.
I checked with Netflix, and it turns out we can only watch sports live. Bills fans dream of someday treating primetime football as more than a schedule change. An extra 31 hours and change before kickoff is part of our ceaseless training in patience.
At least this regrettable edition is supposed to be for a good cause, namely waiting for cap space and draft picks to appear. The realization that the pace was too sluggish meant heading back to the starting line. As a result of waiting this long for the Bills to be good, we have to wait more. Did you think this would be fair?
Editor’s babble: They say the best things in life are worth waiting for. I’m already well into the last chapter of my life and still waiting. Hopefully the pinnacle of success for the Bills arrives before my shredding telomeres wear out. Thanks to Anthony Bialy for helping us get through another week of utter incompetence by the offense. Here’s hoping Nathan Peterman can rise above the cacophony of negativity. You can find Anthony on Twitter @AnthonyBialy.