This week the old hashtag was full of lovely epitaphs lamenting the demise of the Bills before the season is even half over. Some were downright annoying. So let’s get this over with now, because Rex wants me in the game plan meeting in less than an hour.
I really don’t have a question for you. But I’ve got a few things to say, and you seem like the logical repository for this.
You got this all wrong. It’s easy to beat your team into the ground because they act like a bunch of hyenas on the field. In fact, they resemble a bunch of hyenas more than you probably realize, because you are just as bad as they are…
You’re a likable guy, and if you weren’t so boorish I’d probably feel sorry for you but I don’t. I’m one of those stoic hard butts that learned years ago that ‘players coaches’ won’t produce winning teams if the players treat you more like a little brother than a father.
There’s still time for you to get your act together. Get your head out of your rear end and start acting your age. Oh, and say hi to Michelle. Why she puts up with you is anyone’s guess.
Hugs and kisses,
Dear Mr. Toughlin,
First of all, I charge by the hour, so even if you didn’t ask a question I’m obliged to drag this out as long as the cash register rings. So fine with me, you can spout off all the crap you want about and to Rex Ryan. He’s heard plenty of it all week, believe me.
So, do you think you can pull those two Lombardi’s out of your butt long enough to get real here for a minute? Rex is not as stupid as you think. This is all in his grand plan. Don’t you know he’s just laying the groundwork for a real run later in the season?
And by the way, it doesn’t matter that it’s probably not mathematically possible to become the least penalized team in the league this season. That’s just a figure of speech. Rex knows he’s got to get the players under control.
You’re just jealous because Rex lights up the world with his charisma and you are cold fusion put in a double freezer bag. You just wait and see what happens next. Rex is going to get his players to settle down one way or another. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Don’t write back either. Cash or credit?
I play WR for an unnamed team that was in town recently. In fact, I’m a celebrity. I’m on the cover of every magazine and chicks dig me. In fact, I’m riding so high the refs look out for me personally while I beat the crap out of anyone I want to on the football field.
So now everyone is calling me names. They say I’m a “prima donna”, but I don’t speak Swedish so I don’t know what that means. It must be something bad though, because only fans of other teams say it about me.
They also say I have anger issues. Just because I like to punch people in the face because I know I can get away with it? Really?
The problem I have is that if I respond to these accusations, I’ll be accused of being that “prima donna” thing, or worse. How can I reform my image in the eyes of the rest of a nation that hates me?
Rodell Jeckem Senior
First of all, thanks for the check, but you wrote it out to #OldSloppy, not #OldSloopy, you dimwit. You think the bank didn’t notice?
OK, as far as your self-image issue, you have no reason to gripe. You’re a complete douche bag on the field and have every bit of pain and misery coming your way as you deserve. I’ve notified the FBI and they are looking into the bank accounts of the refs that continue to allow you to commit these heinous crimes on the field.
There’s a special place in Hades for cowards like you. You keep messing with my boys and you’ll find out how much damage an old toothless woman can do. Now go away and don’t ever darken my hashtag #AskSloopy again.
I was in town last weekend covering the game because it was a happening place to be. Without divulging my identity, I’m a big time sports journalist I’m a really a big deal.
My problem is this:
While I was there a bunch of lovely ladies came over to talk to me. They brought me all kinds of goodies and I was sampling them all. It’s so hard to tell what it even is because they drown it in all that hot sauce, so you can’t even tell what you’re eating.
Well, I made the mistake of telling this one woman that I loved the sausage soaked in wing sauce that she made. In fact, the second one she gave me was so over the top that I couldn’t sleep for two nights. She said it was something called “kielbasa”.
I found out that kielbasa is a dietary restriction item for me, and she sent me a crate of it by UPS. When I called to thank her, she said she was so thrilled that I liked it so much that she would send a new crate every month.
How do I get this lady from Buffalo to stop sending me kielbasa? My wife already suspects something is up, because who sends someone sausage in the mail? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Instead of a check, I’m sending kielbasa. Enjoy.
Dear Mr. Milver,
You obviously aren’t used to courting ladies from WNY. They know their sausage. In fact, some even make their own sausage on a regular basis. There is great pride among the people of WNY regarding their sausages.
You’ve got that typical ‘downstater’ attitude, mister. This lady is just trying to get friendly with you. She probably figured the best way to get to your heart was through your stomach by way of sausage.
How was she supposed to know your palette doesn’t include kielbasa? Suck it up and consider yourself lucky at your age that anyone still sends you sausage.
Oh, and I don’t eat kielbasa. It gives me gas, so cough up the cash buster. Or…
May you enjoy a good case of dysentery,