I didn’t want to introduce her so early in the season, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you want the long version, start by reading her history here.
If you like your wyobabble on the ‘lite’ side, then let’s just roll with it because Sloopy’s on the clock, and she doesn’t come cheap (despite how she dresses).
Fan Needs Help To Overcome Embarrassment
I’m a 48 year old lifelong Bills fan that attended the game last Sunday against the Patriots. I admit I got a little too excited about the game and started drinking on Saturday afternoon. I have no idea how I got to the game or found my seat.
The only reason I know I was there is because somebody posted a video of me watching the game on social media. Guess I was a little bit woozy and almost fell out of the stands, but the way the Bills played on Sunday made me kind of nauseous anyway.
Now that stupid Vine or whatever they call it has gone viral and I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice about how to face my friends and family? I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. I blame the Buffalo Bills and their incomprehensible meltdown for my faux pas. It’s all their fault.
How will I ever be able to go on? Thanks in advance and the check is in the mail.
Dear Mr. Bloviate,
First of all, never let them see you sweat. That was your first mistake, but that wasn’t even the worst mistake you made.
If you’ve really been a Bills fan for as long as you claim, then you should have not only anticipate this tragic outcome, you should have planned better for it in advance.
The only way to deal with this type of crisis is to do what football teaches us about life…“sometimes the best defense is an offense”.
So in the spirit of all that lies beneath the turf at Ralph Wilson stadium, embrace your new identity as a lame drunk with vigor. Prove to the haters that not only do you like your new persona, you will take it to a new level for the next home game.
In the meantime, we’re going to also recommend a little David Bowie to help you get started. So put on your headset, grab your beverage of choice and blast this song at least three times or until it is scarred into your brain.
This should get you in the proper frame of mind:
Now get that liver in shape for the next home game because the Bills need you at your worst. You’re welcome.
Love & Peace,
Father Needs Advice About The Best Way To Tell Son To Get Bent
My son is a football coach and loves me very much. He recently brought me to his team’s game on Sunday as a belated birthday present. The game was so terrible I had to call one of my old girlfriends to come get me before halftime was over.
I vomited three times before she could get me home.
How can I gently ask him to NEVER invite me to another game without hurting his feelings? The team blew lunch really bad, and I don’t want to make things worse for him.
If I can’t find a nice way to get out of ever having to watch another one of his pathetic football games, do you think claiming elder-abuse might be the next best option?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. The check is in the mail.
Dear Mr. Bryan,
Let me begin by stating that it’s commendable that you are concerned about your son’s feelings.
However, this is football. There’s no room for stinking feelings when it comes to matters concerning the gridiron. I would think you of all people would know that by now.
Besides, if you keep wussifying your kid, how’s that gonna help him get any better as a football coach?
Stop worrying so much about his emotional state. No wonder his teams eventually all suck. You created that monster.
The elder-abuse angle does have some serious potential though, but I’d save that one for later in the season. Don’t use up all your strategies too early.
You also need a theme song you can use if you are forced to return for another game. I’m thinking Weird Al might be able to get the words across to your son better than anyone:
Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Love and peace,
Owner Has Buyers Remorse, Wants Refund
I’m writing this for a friend because she’s rich, and when you’re rich it’s hard to remain anonymous. She asked me to write to you for advice because she heard you were the only one who would have the guts to tell the truth.
My friend recently bought an unnamed NFL football team. Actually, she (sort of) technically kind of bought it from me.
Everything was going really well with the whole deal until last Sunday. The team played so badly that 71,439 people requested an immediate refund for their season tickets.
In fact, 42,396 of them even said they were considering suing the team and the NFL for inflicting cruel and unusual punishment on them for forcing them to watch this hot mess for over three hours on Sunday.
What can I do to help my friend get her refund so she can sell the team back to the NFL? Oh, and how can I do this AND make sure none of this blows back on me?
Any insight you have would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for your confidentiality regarding this important manner. The check is in the mail.
First of all, let’s just get to the real truth of the matter right now. You totally screwed up this deal big time.
You kept yourself from getting top dollar by rushing to unload that boondoggle of a team in the first place. All you had to do was go out to dinner with Donald Trump just once and Page Six would taken care of the rest.
It would have been easy to get a lot more out of that deal if you were willing to go on one stupid dinner date. Your friend would have happily forked over $2B for that team just to keep the fans from having to watch their team move, or worse.
Donald Trump Stadium. Those three words and you could have ended up with a lot more dough to show for your effort.
Oh well. Perhaps you might benefit from a change in theme song. And what more appropriate theme song might fit this situation than a little Pink Floyd and a lotta $? I swear this song was made for you, Wary. Enjoy the motherlode:
Love and peace,
Well, that’s a wrap for my first gig here at BillsMafia. Thanks for the jollies. Remember to follow me @OldSloopyGirl for your up to the minute coverage of your Buffalo Bills from the other side. Disclaimer: Don’t expect me to respond in a timely or appropriate manner if you contact me. Sometimes my meds make me goofy.